It's been 8 years now since my dad left my physical world. I wonder how time flew so quickly. I still remember talking to him so vividly, like it was yesterday.
For a lot of time, I didn't understand what I was going through, I just felt lost all the time. I suffered until I realised I needed to understand my feelings and learn to live with them. But, I couldn't understand them then, I don't understand them now.
I just didn't know how to make the feeling go away. All I could do was distract myself because I for some reason believed "work is the best antidote to sorrow". And, I've experienced this personally as well, and have seen this in so many people's lives. So I just distracted my self from the feeling of being lost by focusing on work, playing chess, solving coding problems, learning new things, building cool stuff.
Two weeks back I was returning to Bangalore after a trip to my niece's house in Hyderabad, and she was at the gate in her father's hands waiting to say good bye to me and my mom. Then she said, "I might cry, if you leave". She had same feeling I always had leaving my cousin's house to my house on a Sunday evening of an awesome weekend.
Now I am again in a situation where someone close to my heart is leaving my life to follow their heart, and this has triggered feeling of being lost again. I feel like "I might cry", I probably won't.
I know I've coped with this in the past, and I know I can cope with this now. But, what leaves me baffled is what is the source of the repeated feelings of loss, that I don't really understand my feelings.
What does moving on really mean? Does it mean forgetting the person by distracting yourself? Is there any other way out of this?
I feel clueless, but until I can afford to think more about this, I am gonna have to get lost in my work again. Just like my niece joyfully going to buy crackers yesterday with out having a recall of good times with me two weeks back.
It's best for me to be conscious about my feelings and not take them too seriously because there is nothing there but "stuckness". I can only feel miserable or lost if I let myself. Gotta keep moving physically and mentally. Movement = Life!
Perhaps consciousness is the answer to this. We seek what we feel we don't have. When I truly believe that "everything I need, I already have", I will have no dependency on anyone or anything -- I will be self sufficient. Whenever I feel lost, when I consciously question my feeling, it vanishes, and I start feeling like I am not lost at all. I want to go to this state, but just think I am not there yet. Or, may be I am covered with ash like a coal that's amber inside but looks gray on the outside, may be I just need to remove anything and everything that's not letting me be fully conscious.
I hope I cope and thrive! I know I can.